ugh.... urgh.. pretty good? not too bad ? plain bad? alright? all wrong?...
this question often leaves me a little hmmm....dumbfounded.
sure, i usually come up with a response. but is it true and transparent and is it revelatory?
and when you're asked by someone who cares. the 'how are you' with gently inquiring eyes.
well, to quote a good movie:
IT'S COMPLICATED.
besides the RARE moments of 'wow everything is doing amazing'
and the moments of 'CRAP, everything is going wrong'
most days are just too complex to be described in one word: good, ok, fine, splendid, mediocre..
this blogger mom of 3 did a great job at describing the constant polar opposite feelings,
the simultaneous schizophrenic mania of contradictions....
"There were moments when my heart
was so full I thought I might explode,
and there were other moments when my
senses were under such intense assault
that I was CERTAIN I'd explode. I was
both lonely and absolutely desperate to be alone.
I was saturated -- just BOMBARDED
with touch and then the second I put down
this baby I yearned to smell her sweet skin again.
I was simultaneously bored out of
my skull and completely
overwhelmed with so much to do.
Today was too much and not enough.
It was loud and silent. It was brutal and beautiful.
I was at my very best today and then,
just a moment later, at my very worst.
At 3:30 today I decided that we should adopt
four more children, and then at 3:35 I decided
that we should give up the kids we already have for adoption."
I'm glad to be a complex creature, i'm glad i can't describe my life, my day,
my thoughts in one picture perfect word.
deep calls to the deep
and i am thankful for words that do describe my life, my thoughts my days.
Words to share, words to exchange, words to connect.
in an attempt to simplify and reveal, here's the word of the day:
re·sil·ience
noun
- 1.the ability of a substance or object to spring back into shape; elasticity."nylon is excellent in wearability and resilience"
- 2.the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness."the often remarkable resilience of so many British institutions"
I don't know about 'quickly' but definitely 'recover'.
and recover while doing justice to this complex being that i am.
all at once, mental, spiritual, emotional, and physical.
i have a dream to develop an ability to be the object of a wrong, a blow, a disappointment,
an injustice, a fatality, an incredibly stressful situation
and be able to assimilate it, stare at it in the face, not deny the emotions and feelings that ensue,
grieve when needed, be open about it ..
oh to live at peace with myself .
there are no standards i must live up to.
divine perfection is not even a standard God puts on me!!
ugh! he very well knows what i am made of!
it is rather a transformation and i am not able to perform it myself.
can i love myself today? can i truly accept myself ?
can i be patient with myself, with exactly where i am, fully aware i am not where
i wish i were. and consciously and purposely
letting go
of that
self-harassment.
children that are the least happy and the worst mis-behaved often have
a parent -or two- constantly correcting, admonishing, gripping,
criticizing, yelling at them.
I yell at myself.
in my head.
with no words.
NOL -not out loud
but i yell.at.myself
not quite the way to become the 'epanouie' person i want to be.
there isn't quite the word in english to describe epanouie. the first definition said 'flushed??
it's the concept of a flower that has bloomed, arrived at maturity.
i've come a long way from the teenage girl who couldn't talk abt her inner
struggles (actually would have N.E.V.E.R imagine showing a weak side of me..
i always subconsciously and in a totally destructive way thought that it was
the best way to preserve and protect ones dignity.)
But i have yet to speak kindly to the areas of my life i find disappointing to say the least,
i have yet to love ME when i want to casually but cruelly dismiss ME,
i have yet to learn to bask in divine tenderness for no reason at all,
i have yet to
cast
a
few
votes
of
confidence
my
way.
honesty, resilience and self-love.
God help me.
