raw and more raw

how are you?

ugh.... urgh.. pretty good? not too bad ? plain bad? alright? all wrong?...

this question often leaves me a little hmmm....dumbfounded. 

sure, i usually come up with a response. but is it true and transparent and is it revelatory?

and when you're asked by someone who cares. the 'how are you' with gently inquiring eyes. 

well, to quote a good movie:

IT'S COMPLICATED.

besides the RARE moments of 'wow everything is doing amazing' 

and the moments of 'CRAP, everything is going wrong' 

most days are just too complex to be described in one word: good, ok, fine, splendid, mediocre..

this blogger mom of 3 did a great job at describing the constant polar opposite feelings, 

the simultaneous schizophrenic mania of contradictions.... 

"There were moments when my heart 

was so full I thought I might explode, 

and there were other moments when my 

senses were under such intense assault 

that I was CERTAIN I'd explode. I was 

both lonely and absolutely desperate to be alone.

I was saturated -- just BOMBARDED 

with touch and then the second I put down 

this baby I yearned to smell her sweet skin again. 

I was simultaneously bored out of 

my skull and completely 

overwhelmed with so much to do. 

Today was too much and not enough. 

It was loud and silent. It was brutal and beautiful. 

I was at my very best today and then, 

just a moment later, at my very worst. 

At 3:30 today I decided that we should adopt 

four more children, and then at 3:35 I decided 

that we should give up the kids we already have for adoption."

I'm glad to be a complex creature, i'm glad i can't describe my life, my day, 

my thoughts in one picture perfect word. 

deep calls to the deep

and i am thankful for words that do describe my life, my thoughts my days. 

Words to share, words to exchange, words to connect. 

in an attempt to simplify and reveal, here's the word of the day:

re·sil·ience

noun

1. 1.

   the ability of a substance or object to spring back into shape; elasticity.

   "nylon is excellent in wearability and resilience"
2. 2.

   the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.

   "the often remarkable resilience of so many British institutions"

I don't know about 'quickly' but definitely 'recover'. 

and recover while doing justice to this complex being that i am. 

all at once, mental, spiritual, emotional, and physical.

i have a dream to develop an ability to be the object of a wrong, a blow, a disappointment, 

an injustice, a fatality, an incredibly stressful situation

and be able to assimilate it, stare at it in the face, not deny the emotions and feelings that ensue,

grieve when needed, be open about it ..

oh to live at peace with myself .

there are no standards i must live up to. 

divine perfection is not even a standard God puts on me!!

ugh! he very well knows what i am made of! 

it is rather a transformation and i am not able to perform it myself.

can i love myself today? can i truly accept myself ? 

can i be patient with myself, with exactly where i am, fully aware i am not where

i wish i were. and consciously and purposely 

letting go 

of that 

self-harassment. 

children that are the least happy and the worst mis-behaved often have 

a parent -or two- constantly correcting, admonishing, gripping,

criticizing, yelling at them.

I yell at myself. 

in my head. 

with no words.

NOL -not out loud

but i yell.at.myself 

not quite the way to become the 'epanouie' person i want to be.

there isn't quite the word in english to describe epanouie. the first definition said 'flushed??

it's the concept of a flower that has bloomed, arrived at maturity.

i've come a long way from the teenage girl who couldn't talk abt her inner

struggles (actually would have N.E.V.E.R imagine showing a weak side of me..

i always subconsciously and in a totally destructive way thought that it was 

the best way to preserve and protect ones dignity.)

But i have yet to speak kindly to the areas of my life i find disappointing to say the least, 

i have yet to love ME when i want to casually but cruelly dismiss ME, 

i have yet to learn to bask in divine tenderness for no reason at all,

i have yet to 

cast 

a 

few 

votes 

of 

confidence 

my 

way.

honesty, resilience and self-love.

God help me.